mogmelodies | To: All Heroes

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To: All Heroes

[Unlike his usual writing style, this letter is short, simple, and to the point.]

For anyone who looked through their files in the lab, how accurate were they? Did any of the details seem wrong to you? Maybe even made up? Even slightly?

I'm not asking for details on what was in yours. I just want to know if your information seemed right.

Ventus

[He's already talked about it some, all while remaining equally vague, but... he wants to be sure. Lacking as many memories as he does, he has no way of confirming or denouncing most of what he read -- and that's what scares him.]

[Action - for AU!Yuna]

[Not long after, Ven decides he needs some more time to himself -- real time to himself, not just retreated to his room in a house full of people, even if they are his good friends. It's sunset by the time he makes it to his secret viewing spot high up on the side of Aqures Castle, and he settles there on the overhang to watch the last light of the sun fade over the city.

Once again, he's dressed in his Time Mage clothes -- that black coat, the one Ira attributed to some "Organization;" Ven asked Rae to give them to him again, but was quick to ditch her shortly after. He's not in the mood to be patient with her well-intended lectures, and she'd freak out if she knew about this spot of his, even if he is fully recovered.

As for why he's wearing the coat... he's not even sure. Some small, desperate way of trying to feel closer to Terra, maybe -- it's the only lead he has left. That and snippets of a thorough report on his life, much of which he refuses to go back and read. -- even as his thoughts are wracked with uncertainty, guilt, and apology towards Aqua.

How accurate was his file? He wants to write it all off as a lie, but he can't. He could confirm that parts of it were accurate, far too accurate, and so trying to pick and choose what he accepts as truth isn't as easy as he wants it to be.]

Heh... [It's a flat sound, lacking both humor and cheer.] I keep telling myself I want answers... but every time I get them, I just...

[He looks down between his knees at the drop in front of him -- stories high -- and sighs.]

The Master was right. I really didn't belong outside yet.

[And we're right back to square one.]

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There's no need to apologize. It's all right.

[She smiles kindly; he needn't try to explain himself. Learning about himself in such a way would shake anyone, even Rukia. She swings out her leg to push against the opposite chair, inviting him to sit.]

[He nods lightly, a grateful gesture.]

Thanks.

[He sits as indicated, taking his mug in his hands -- but only stares down at it for the moment. He likes tea, but he's trying to figure where to start. The walk over wasn't long enough to decide.]

So... what made you think my memory was messed with?

Your experiences sound similar to a shinigami's chikan -- memory replacement. We often employ these devices after a Hollow causes a lot of collateral damage, to minimize trauma to the living.

[Rukia looks down at her tea, picking up her cup and letting the warmth seep into her fingers.]

I cannot say for absolute certainty, however.

[If someone did alter his memories, his file might have record of that as well. But she's reluctant to suggest revisiting his file -- it's obvious he's uneasy about it, and she doesn't want to trespass where she isn't invited.]

[Not all those words make sense, but Ven gets the gist of what's being said. Trauma... that's the keyword.

He falls quiet and looks down again, frowning lightly.]

I... think I know what you mean. But what if it was... [His frown deepens. How to compare it...] ...Well -- I think... My file said someone used me for something, but I don't remember it. But -- he wouldn't've messed with my memory, even if he could have. He would've wanted me to remember it.

[Because Vanitas is a piece of trash. If Ven's voice hardens a bit as he says it, that's why.]

But... I don't know how I wouldn't know. But I don't know why that file would've made it up, either. Everything else around that was accurate.

[And, well -- since Rukia seems familiar with the topic, it's worth asking.]

If I did forget somehow... d'you think there'd be a way to try and remember?

[If the situation weren't so serious, she would suggest blunt force to the head. Now is hardly the time for levity, though. She sips from her tea, then puts down the cup.]

I have never known one to alter another's memories for selfish purposes. It's possible that it may have happened, but if so, it was without my knowledge.

[Which means there isn't much help she can really offer, unfortunately.]

It may be best to review your file again. Make notes on important events, particularly if you have a hard time remembering them. Then search for sights and smells that might trigger your mind into recalling the truth.

[She wants to offer to read the file for him for an objective point of view, but she refrains for obvious reasons. Some of the details in those files are deeply, deeply personal.]

Edited (grammar) 2015-09-19 09:23 (UTC)

[Ven bites his lip, thoughtful. But he's being more open about his past than usual, so a little more can't hurt.]

I... I actually -- I'm missing... a lot of my memory. From before that. [It's not like him to stammer, but considering how touchy this is...] ...Most of my life, actually. But... I was able to get some of it back -- there were a couple people who caused me to remember. I think... maybe because they were there when I lost it.

[Another frown. Vanitas had to actually talk about it for Ven to remember; Xehanort simply had to speak to him to trigger it. Either way, it doesn't really matter to him at this point.]

The one I'm talking about now -- he was one of 'em. If he was here, I think I might be able to tell for sure. [But then, Vanitas wouldn't hide it from him, anyway. After a moment, Ven sighs quietly.] Everything else around it was accurate, though. I remember what happened right before that -- and after... well... I was asleep then, so I can't say for sure, but I think it was right.

[Aqua locking his comatose body inside the castle, his twelve-year sleep as his heart healed inside Sora's... it's just that tiny window he's not sure about.]

I guess... I could try reading it again, but... even if I find out it's true, there's nothing I can do about it.

[It's a bit of a Catch-22: never know for sure and always wonder, or possibly remember and regret it even more than he does now. He's not sure what the best course of action is.]

These memories that are missing... Are you certain they are memories you want to find?

[Rukia speaks plainly, her gaze direct as she regards Ventus with her dark blue eyes.]

You have read your file, so you know what transpired, even if you cannot recall it personally. If you think these memories might hurt you, then you must consider the possibility of abandoning them until you are prepared to receive them.

[It may sound harsh, but she wants what's best for him and his sanity. He might not be prepared to put his mind back together just yet.]

However.

[Here, her expression softens, turning gentle.]

If you are willing to take the risk, there must be someone in this world who can help you. Writing a letter may unearth such a person, and if you would prefer, I could write the letter myself if you wish for discretion.

[He shakes his head.]

I don't know. If it really happened -- if I really did hurt someone I care about -- I don't think it's fair to keep running from it. But... every time I try to think back to early on in my life, to the things I can't remember very well -- I can't do it for very long because it hurts. [Literally. It's paralyzed him with physical pain the past, even nearly made him lose consciousness. It's not as bad as it used to be, but he still avoids trying for that reason.

PTSD does that to a person.]

It might be the same with this. I might not... be able to remember even if I do try.

[It's all about the "if," though, isn't it?

But her suggestion makes him pause.]

Maybe... Like I said, I don't want to run from it. And... if that file's right, the person I'm talking about might still be alive. If he is... [Then Ven needs to know everything he can. How Aqua managed to hold him off, how he was actually defeated... The next time -- if there is a next time -- Ven might not have the option of pulling a suicide move to take him down.] ...but -- you really think someone could help with that?

[Rukia's head bobs faintly. She absolutely believes it. She doesn't know what kind of abilities different jobs might have, but at the very least, there may be somebody versed in psychological therapy, or even hypnotism, that could help Ventus move forward the way he wants.]

There are many Heroes here, and many more people who want to help us. You have no shortage of friends waiting to lift you up and support you.

[Again, Ven doesn't answer right away, mulling over his thoughts -- but as friendship-oriented as he is, he can't overlook that last remark. Nor does he try to.

After a moment, it's enough to make him smile -- a small smile, a sad smile, but it's a smile.]

Yeah... you're right. [A day doesn't go by when Ven fails to remember his best friends and Master -- his family -- and misses them, but he does have important people here, too. People who've always come to check on him when he's hurt, who offer to listen and talk and even hold him when he's down.

He can't forget that, no matter how much his past tries to catch up and hit him when he's not looking.]

I guess... I'm so used to trying to keep secrets, I shut people out when it comes to certain things. I shouldn't do that. [He doesn't have to reveal the things he shouldn't -- information about the Keyblade, for instance -- but he can stop hiding behind the excuse that his life is "complicated." It is, but his true friends won't care. They'll still listen.]

...Thanks, Rukia. I think that was what I needed to hear.

[Were she the type, she would embrace him now. But that kind of affection is rare from Rukia. Nonetheless, he's starting to smile again, and that eases the concern in her heart.]

What you should and should not do is up to you. Keeping secrets is necessary at times.

[She breathes a small sigh.]

But you shouldn't feel as if you can't speak about things that trouble you to the people who care for your welfare. Any time you need to speak about what ails you, I will always listen. I don't think I'm the only one willing to make that offer either.

[That's probably enough old lady lecturing for one day.]

Edited 2015-09-21 19:47 (UTC)

[Maybe that's it. As badly as he's taken some things lately... maybe it wasn't the absence of Terra and Aqua that messed him up, but the absence of people he felt he could be totally direct with. As honest in nature as Ven is, having to hold back as he's done has been difficult, to say the least. He's not used to it.

He still feels terrible about what he might have done, and that guilt will linger for a while still -- the guilt and frustration of not being strong enough, smart enough, fast enough -- but the weight on his heart is much lighter than it was half an hour ago.]

Yeah -- I've made some really good friends here... and I trust all of them. [His smile grows as he nods.] Heh... if I can ever do the same for you, I'd be glad to.

[Although she really seems to have herself together, so he doubts she'd ever need it, but...]

I may need that in the future.

[Her expression relaxes, and she smiles. For now, the worst parts of her past have been laid to rest. Her vice-captain's soul is at rest. She's made amends with the surviving members of his family. As for the person she's wronged here, she means to apologize personally. It'll take some time, to think of the right words she wants to say, but it isn't something she means to ignore.]

[But there are some things Rukia is ill-equipped to deal with. Just wait until there's an event where participants are expected to bring a date.]

Is there anything else you need? Some find it helpful to vent their frustrations in combat.

[She sips her tea.]

[Ven also sips at his tea during the pause -- and tea always makes things at least ten times better, so that helps too in turning his attention from the past to the future.]

That's... how I'd usually deal with something, actually. [It's said with a slightly wry smile. He tends to throw himself into training for just about any reason.] The doctor said I'm good to go as of two days ago, so... maybe I'll go out into the Plains tomorrow. I need to try out one of my new Jobs, anyway.

I'm pleased to hear it.

[Sip.]

I would be happy to accompany you as well. We can meet at the city gates when you feel sufficiently prepared. Send me word when you're ready.

[But for now? He gets as much tea to drink as he wants. Rukia's treating.]

[He perks up a bit more.]

Really?

[It is always better with friends! Plus Rae won't hover over his shoulder so much if he has someone else with him. And an adult, to boot.]

Okay! I'll have Rae let you know. I can show you around, too. [He's pretty familiar with the Plains at this point -- and any reason to busy himself is very much welcome. Refusing her offer would have been the number one sign that he's not all right.

But for now, yes -- tea is very much appreciated.]

Excellent! I planned to venture to the caves later in the evening. A little preemptive studying will certainly improve my chances.

Tomorrow, then!

[And much tea was drank.]

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To: All Heroes

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